Demetrious the Demented

Demetrious the Demented, or fokker, as I call him for short. He was driving the Beta 12 bus when I got on last night at 1 am. He pulled up to the train station really fast then slammed on the brakes. Everyone got on and he started speeding away before most of us had our butts down in the seats. So I sat near the front and looked and waited for the landmarks I have picked that tell me my stop is coming up. Demetrious is literally weaving through the traffic on the road, passing other buses, tailgating a moto so close I was sure he was pushing it, slamming on brakes at the last minute sending the person standing, waiting to get off, spinning around the pole. Finally I see my landmarks and I press the Stop button. But I don't want to stand up because I just don't think I can hold on. So, what happens? Demetrious passes my stop, doesn't even tap the brakes. I kept thinking he would realize it and stop suddenly and let me off. oh no. I was dumbfounded which caused me to shout out, hey fokker, you didn't stop for me. He shouts back at me something that sounded a lot like prego, which I think in Italian means something akin to "bon apetite" in french. although I"m sure it wasn't. And he kept driving. There were a few other people on the bus who pretended they didn't hear my brief outburst. Then they got off. And the fokker kept driving, farther and farther from civilization or anything even remotely recognizable. I kept thinking, what if I have to get out around here. Where in the hell am I? It reminds me of the time I went with my BlueBird troop to Westheimer Stables to ride horses and my horse took off from the pack, running full speed, in the complete opposite direction of where we were going. All I could think of was, where can I jump off this horse and how many bones will I break. That's what I was thinking last night. And he was hauling ass down that road, so jumping out wasn't that viable of an option. Then I see a freeway, which is very bad since there are no freeways anywhere near my house. Finally he gets to the end. And I am steaming. He says something like alla alla, which I'm sure means "get your ass off the bus". I said "I'm not getting off. You take me home you little fokker." alla alla. Then I realize he is pointing to another bus going back my way, which I am willing to take, but not before I give Demetrious a piece of my mind. I got up and let loose a torrent of profanity that is only reserved for a select few, mainly people who don't speak English. And when I was done cussing, I moved back to the front door and started again. I don't know what possessed me but it felt great. I got on another Beta 12 bus that took me back the other way and I got home around 1:45 am. fokker.

This was especially annoying since I had to get up at 5:45 am to go on my one-day cruise to the islands. Herc told me I should take this one day cruise to these 3 islands because they were close and really nice. He went in with me to a travel agent and got me some information and said he thought I could get a better price than the one he got. I found a better price at the travel agent located inside this internet cafe. The one-armed girl doing the booking (I think it would be a stretch to call her a travel agent) showed me a brochure of the trip and then pointed to a picture of 4 different boats and said "you will be on one of these." Three looked like small cruise ships and one looked like the SS Minnow. I could have guessed which one we'd be on. She also said it leaves out of Corinth, instead of Pireaus. Hey, that's fine, what do I care? I don't even know where Corinth is but it must be near the water, huh? Well, it's an hour and a half away. No cruise ship would EVER dock here. It's the rattiest looking dock/port I'd ever seen. And there, in all it's glory, was the SS Minnow, dug up from the bottom of the ocean. And who is running the ship, but none other than Ginger. (None of the rest of the crew made it). Ginger, whose real name is Mary, is now about 89 years old, but someone forgot to tell her. She has the same red hair as Ginger, except it is teased and shellacked about 2 feet off her head. She has about 7 years worth of make up on and eyebrows painted in a curvy fashion that create a constant look of surprise. Plus they are quite a ways from where the natural brow would be, but this allows for several different rows of blue and silver eye shadow. She has her lips lined but not filled in. She has an enormous nose and a body that most 40 yr olds would kill for. And she speaks 7 languages fluently. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was a man in drag. In fact, she might be. She shuttles the cattle boarding the ship into different sections according to what language they speak. For some reason, I am shuttled with the french, despite saying "I speak english". Anyways, as we pass through the door they have a man and a woman in traditional greek dress and they snap a picture of you with them, which they will later sell for 10 euros. There is a guy with a plastic Trojan helmet and suit of armor on. Pure class. I go upstairs looking for the lounge chairs where I will be napping and I am dismayed to find-THERE ARE NONE. All they have is booths and naugahyde chairs like you might find in a bar. Hey, they had lounge chairs and smiling waiters in the brochure. Something aint right here. They said we could also go to the lower deck, for a more intimate experience. What, can you have sex down there? So I went down there and let me tell you, there is absolutely nothing intimate going on unless you consider the smell of gasoline, fumes, burnt greek food and sewage intimate. So, that was not an option. I couldn't stay on the main deck because they had 3 musicians playing lounge-type greek musick, whick was already starting to make me sick. Speaking of sick, I asked the one-armed non travel agent if this was a boat that you could get sick on. She said, oh, no, it's a big boat, very smooth. Well it was a big boat, sort of. But I would not call it very smooth. In fact, I would say it was like sleeping in a cradle while someone vigorously tried to rock you to sleep. Better take another Dramamine. So, back to the story. I find a booth and get comfortable for my first nap on the Minnow. It's hard to get comfortable sleeping in a booth with your head kind of tucked under the table. But I was really tired. And I blame Demetrious. The fokker.

After 2 hours we get to the first island where we have 30 minutes to explore. 30 minutes? It's going to take me that long to find a decent bathroom. Sorry, I was delirious there. I think I just said "decent bathroom". I was thinking I was back home. Anyways, I digress. Very little can be accomplished in 30, really 20 minutes, because you can't count the 10 to get back on the boat before it leaves. And I'm going to be living with this constant dread on each island that the Minnow will leave without me and I'll be stuck there for at least a day, maybe more. So we have our 30 minute stop at Port 1. I get back on and go straight back to sleep. They are already serving lunch to the first group, which I am not in. It looks like some kind of greek sampler plate, but all brown and darker brown. yuk. I better eat before my turn for lunch comes up. At the next place we have 50 minutes. wow! things are getting better. I go straight for somewhere to get something good to eat and before I know it, it's time to go back to the ship. This scenario is repeated again at the 3rd island. The islands are beautiful and all selling the same touristy crap. And pistachios. Mounds of pistachios. Apparently they grow pistachios out there.

So we get back on after the 3rd island and Ginger tells us we have a treat in store. Oh, I'll just bet we do. The first "act" to come out is a man dressed very badly as a greek old lady, trying to be funny and doing karaoke (in greek). oh geez, where do I jump off and how many bones will I break? This schtick is followed by the original man and woman in customary greek clothes doing all sorts of greek dances from the various regions of Greece. They all look the same and Ginger, as emcee, keeps encouraging us to shout "Opa!" opa opa opa. I've already had enough. Then the greek dancers start taking poor unsuspecting people from the crowd and force them to dance. Then the guy in drag comes back looking like some kind of cross between Jesus and Yanni. I don't know who he was supposed to be. But more karaoke. I felt like I was in the lounge at a bad Holiday Inn in Peoria. Then Yanni says he's going to do a stip tease and takes off some of his clothes and becomes Pavarotti. Again, karaoke. I think you can get the idea here. It just goes on and on. For an hour and a half. It's the kind of thing no person should have to forcibly endure. And I PAID for this? We finally arrive back at the trashy port at 8 (instead of the promised 7:30 back at the hotel) and don't get back to the hotel until 9:30. It was a long day and if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost...

I just hope Demetrious isn't driving Beta 12 when I get there tonight.